Last night was really bad. Rhea was using her front paws and dragging her back ones on the carpet. No need to say I was in tears.
However she had appetite and didn't seem in pain, so we both thought that better than bringing her back to the Vet what would stress her, we would give her the night to relax as not only she had a problem, but then she was tired due to swimming and also she didn't get any tablet for her legs during a full day as the Vet wanted us to start only this morning so there is no mixing possible.
We slept downstairs, she ask for cuddles a couple of times but she seemed to sleep most of the night and this morning she was better. She can walk around, she is just all wonky wobbly when she walks and it is still heart breaking.
I think I forgot that she was like this 2 years ago before she started taking the new med we just stopped. The Vet said many dogs wouldn't cope with it, but she did and from one day to another, she was running after squirrels. He had also said it happens sometimes that after a while, they can't cope with it anymore.
What is encouraging is that she is very bright, has appetite, her gums are pinker and she even would like to play, if it wouldn't be she hardly can stand. I started with her new meds this morning, she will have them again tonight then tomorrow morning before we go back at the Vet. Then let's keep fingers crossed and see.
Take care everybody, xxx
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
No peace of mind . . .
I brought the girls swimming this morning and everything was fine, they enjoyed it, Rhea went out for a rest a couple of times, as we always let her decide if she is tired or not. When the girls exited the pool to go the garden, Rhea's right back leg gave way twice and I thought she was going to dislocate her hip again, but then her left one gave way too a couple of times. I put them in the car and Rhea couldn't go in by herself.
Once home Dennis also noticed she was walking very badly so I called the Vet surgery. They didn't have any appointment left for this morning but they told me to come anyway and our Vet would see us. I wanted to come this morning because Rhea didn't have food yet, what means they could do anesthetics on her if needed.
He checked her out completely and as soon as he pulled her lip up, I thought "oh my God" as it was very pale. He also found her heart bits too quick, even if she wasn't happy to be here. He said her paws are weak, but he doesn't seem to think the problem came from there. He thinks she might have anemia, what wouldn't be too bad as it would explain the pale color of the gums or she has enough red blood cells but her heart doesn't pump blood well enough to all her body parts, what wouldn't be nice. I had to leave her there for a full blood test and depending on what they find, an EEG.
She was crying when I left, she never does that. No need to say I wasn't happy . . . I need to call at 3pm to see what's going on and when I can take her back home.
It's a beautiful day but cold as the car was full of frost.
Yesterday I directed you to Michelle's blog for her entry on Impossible. I have thought about it a lot, including the "letter" she put a photo of. This trip to Holland instead of Italy story really got me, because it's explained so delicately and beautifully and I really didn't know whether to smile or to cry. I have had it in mind since I read it and I even told the content to Dennis who also thought it's an incredible text.
Stories like Michelle's live their mark on me. I told you since the fall my emotions have increased, that's what I meant with half a blessing and half a curse. I think this text should be shown to all mothers having a baby as it might put their thoughts about other children in perspective.
I must have been Robin Hood in a previous life. I always want to defend the fragile.
Lucky Snapping Nostalgia - February : Affairs of the heart
After a short return to France in 1992, I moved back to Germany in 1993. I worked for a very bad guy ( time told ) and it will be a good story for another day, let's say for now that in 1996, I replaced him as boss of the European Office for a Hardware Taiwanese Company. We needed a new distribution partner in England and I was looking around. One day I got a call from a guy saying they would be interested to distribute our products and we had a long chat, both answering all the questions we had for each other. After that, that guy seemed happy and told me he would talk to his boss who would call me.
A week later, a certain Dennis from Southampton was on the phone. He was a very pleasant guy and we chatted for quite a while. They seem to be like a good company for our products. The next step was to meet the team so I took a flight to Southampton. Dennis had said he would pick me up.
When I arrived, there was this Chinese guy who came towards me and said " Hi, I am Dennis". I was completely stunned because I didn't expect a Chinese guy. His English was perfect, British and his last name was British too. Obviously I had nothing against Chinese people, but I was a surprise.
The meeting went really well, his team was great so we started working together. In the next years, we met quite a lot, me visiting them and their customers, him visiting my company, visiting the fair we were taking part to in Hanover each year, or coming for European Commission meetings in Munich and contacting me so we could have a coffee together.
It so happened that we became very good friends. He was in a terrible marriage, I was in a " going nowhere" relationship, we knew all about each other's life in detail and it was very comfortable that way.
Then came the day I went out of my relationship, then came the day he moved out of the family home, then came the day we happened to be both single and in the same place at the same time during a fair and so came the first " surprise for both " kiss before he took his plane back to England a couple of hours later.
Ouch . . .
It's funny how a simple kiss can start making things SO complicated. Dating over the Channel wasn't especially what I wanted. I even had swore myself I never ever enter again into a relationship with a man having kids. WAY too complicated.
We met often (well every 3-4 weeks) through work, just as good friends having only shared a kiss, not easy at all. I had the impression he didn't know what he wanted. I was also in the process of moving the company to Zurich in Switzerland, because I really wanted to go there and I wasn't ready to cancel that for somebody who didn't know what he wanted .
I had given him as a joke, a couple of documents that I had turned into a " Request for a private visit to Munich ". It was asking for the dates and the time and what he would like to do if his request was accepted . . . and he was supposed to fax it to me when he would be ready, but I never got it back.
In May I flew to England to be with him on his birthday and it wasn't very good. He was missing his kids who were very small at the time. I flew back to Germany after telling him that he needed to make up his mind, either way was fine with me and I was going to do the same on my side. I certainly didn't want to put pressure on him. If you put pressure on people, you might get what you want, but you can be sure it only will be temporary.
I heard very seldom from him within a month ( excepted work wise ). It was coming up to my birthday beginning of June and I wanted to move to Zurich during the summer months. I had started working most of my time from home, only popping occasionally into the office, as having a telephone, a computer, a printer and a fax ( at the time ) was really all I needed.
A couple of days before my birthday, a fax arrived. I could see it only upside down but I immediately knew what it was : Dennis was faxing his request to come and visit me. I faxed it back with the words ' Approved " and picked him up at the airport a couple of days later. He had a small bag and a massive box with him.
He had asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I had said something soft and cuddly I can keep.
Then came the moment when he told me to open my present. The outside was the cardboard box he had traveled with. When I opened it, there was inside another big cardboard, kind of heavy.
When I pulled it out, it was a food steamer. My heart absolutely sank and I was thinking " why do men ask questions if it is to do something else ?"
Anyway, I decided to open the thing, what else could I do and as soon as I started opening the second box, I could see this :
I must say I jumped on my feet because it was love at first sight.
We had a great week-end and Dennis said he had decided. Because of my realistic
( doubtful ? ) character, I named the dog : 50/50 because I still wasn't sure if Dennis exactly knew so that was the percentage of chances I was seeing for us.
The rest of the story you basically know, I moved to England end of 2000 and we got married end of 2001.
If you remember during 365+1, you met 30/30 with his mum :
30/30 was also offered by Dennis, probably a couple of years after we were married, so I thought the chances were much more in our favor, hence the 30 % failure risk.
I also have a 10/10 on my fridge that I got a couple of years ago. I never wanted to go below 10, may be superstition, LOL.
This is my affairs of the heart: How Dennis and I met and how we ended up married.
Take care everybody, xxx
Once home Dennis also noticed she was walking very badly so I called the Vet surgery. They didn't have any appointment left for this morning but they told me to come anyway and our Vet would see us. I wanted to come this morning because Rhea didn't have food yet, what means they could do anesthetics on her if needed.
He checked her out completely and as soon as he pulled her lip up, I thought "oh my God" as it was very pale. He also found her heart bits too quick, even if she wasn't happy to be here. He said her paws are weak, but he doesn't seem to think the problem came from there. He thinks she might have anemia, what wouldn't be too bad as it would explain the pale color of the gums or she has enough red blood cells but her heart doesn't pump blood well enough to all her body parts, what wouldn't be nice. I had to leave her there for a full blood test and depending on what they find, an EEG.
She was crying when I left, she never does that. No need to say I wasn't happy . . . I need to call at 3pm to see what's going on and when I can take her back home.
It's a beautiful day but cold as the car was full of frost.
Yesterday I directed you to Michelle's blog for her entry on Impossible. I have thought about it a lot, including the "letter" she put a photo of. This trip to Holland instead of Italy story really got me, because it's explained so delicately and beautifully and I really didn't know whether to smile or to cry. I have had it in mind since I read it and I even told the content to Dennis who also thought it's an incredible text.
Stories like Michelle's live their mark on me. I told you since the fall my emotions have increased, that's what I meant with half a blessing and half a curse. I think this text should be shown to all mothers having a baby as it might put their thoughts about other children in perspective.
I must have been Robin Hood in a previous life. I always want to defend the fragile.
Lucky Snapping Nostalgia - February : Affairs of the heart
After a short return to France in 1992, I moved back to Germany in 1993. I worked for a very bad guy ( time told ) and it will be a good story for another day, let's say for now that in 1996, I replaced him as boss of the European Office for a Hardware Taiwanese Company. We needed a new distribution partner in England and I was looking around. One day I got a call from a guy saying they would be interested to distribute our products and we had a long chat, both answering all the questions we had for each other. After that, that guy seemed happy and told me he would talk to his boss who would call me.
A week later, a certain Dennis from Southampton was on the phone. He was a very pleasant guy and we chatted for quite a while. They seem to be like a good company for our products. The next step was to meet the team so I took a flight to Southampton. Dennis had said he would pick me up.
When I arrived, there was this Chinese guy who came towards me and said " Hi, I am Dennis". I was completely stunned because I didn't expect a Chinese guy. His English was perfect, British and his last name was British too. Obviously I had nothing against Chinese people, but I was a surprise.
The meeting went really well, his team was great so we started working together. In the next years, we met quite a lot, me visiting them and their customers, him visiting my company, visiting the fair we were taking part to in Hanover each year, or coming for European Commission meetings in Munich and contacting me so we could have a coffee together.
It so happened that we became very good friends. He was in a terrible marriage, I was in a " going nowhere" relationship, we knew all about each other's life in detail and it was very comfortable that way.
Then came the day I went out of my relationship, then came the day he moved out of the family home, then came the day we happened to be both single and in the same place at the same time during a fair and so came the first " surprise for both " kiss before he took his plane back to England a couple of hours later.
Ouch . . .
It's funny how a simple kiss can start making things SO complicated. Dating over the Channel wasn't especially what I wanted. I even had swore myself I never ever enter again into a relationship with a man having kids. WAY too complicated.
We met often (well every 3-4 weeks) through work, just as good friends having only shared a kiss, not easy at all. I had the impression he didn't know what he wanted. I was also in the process of moving the company to Zurich in Switzerland, because I really wanted to go there and I wasn't ready to cancel that for somebody who didn't know what he wanted .
I had given him as a joke, a couple of documents that I had turned into a " Request for a private visit to Munich ". It was asking for the dates and the time and what he would like to do if his request was accepted . . . and he was supposed to fax it to me when he would be ready, but I never got it back.
In May I flew to England to be with him on his birthday and it wasn't very good. He was missing his kids who were very small at the time. I flew back to Germany after telling him that he needed to make up his mind, either way was fine with me and I was going to do the same on my side. I certainly didn't want to put pressure on him. If you put pressure on people, you might get what you want, but you can be sure it only will be temporary.
I heard very seldom from him within a month ( excepted work wise ). It was coming up to my birthday beginning of June and I wanted to move to Zurich during the summer months. I had started working most of my time from home, only popping occasionally into the office, as having a telephone, a computer, a printer and a fax ( at the time ) was really all I needed.
A couple of days before my birthday, a fax arrived. I could see it only upside down but I immediately knew what it was : Dennis was faxing his request to come and visit me. I faxed it back with the words ' Approved " and picked him up at the airport a couple of days later. He had a small bag and a massive box with him.
He had asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I had said something soft and cuddly I can keep.
Then came the moment when he told me to open my present. The outside was the cardboard box he had traveled with. When I opened it, there was inside another big cardboard, kind of heavy.
When I pulled it out, it was a food steamer. My heart absolutely sank and I was thinking " why do men ask questions if it is to do something else ?"
Anyway, I decided to open the thing, what else could I do and as soon as I started opening the second box, I could see this :
I must say I jumped on my feet because it was love at first sight.
We had a great week-end and Dennis said he had decided. Because of my realistic
( doubtful ? ) character, I named the dog : 50/50 because I still wasn't sure if Dennis exactly knew so that was the percentage of chances I was seeing for us.
The rest of the story you basically know, I moved to England end of 2000 and we got married end of 2001.
If you remember during 365+1, you met 30/30 with his mum :
30/30 was also offered by Dennis, probably a couple of years after we were married, so I thought the chances were much more in our favor, hence the 30 % failure risk.
I also have a 10/10 on my fridge that I got a couple of years ago. I never wanted to go below 10, may be superstition, LOL.
This is my affairs of the heart: How Dennis and I met and how we ended up married.
Take care everybody, xxx
Monday, 18 February 2013
Greetings
I don't know if you had time last night to spot Michelle's entry for the Impossible Challenge, as it was late, but have a look HERE , it's a very moving story. I have read it several times and it's still an amazing story each time.
Nothing much here. After being so present during my challenge's week, I have a lot of work to go back to, LOL.
Lucky Snapping Challenge February : Nostalgia - Affairs of the Heart
Another week starting with Kathy and I already love this prompt.
What I especially like in these challenges is that in our old group of 365+1, we have already shared a year and we have heard a lot of stories, but sometimes, we heard story A and story C and this year, we start hearing about story B, what puts A and C together and it's a fascinating discovery journey.
I know exactly what I am going to talk about regarding Affairs of the Heart, but I need to take a couple of pictures first. You vaguely heard about it last year, it will put things into context.
Take care everybody and have a good week, xxx
Nothing much here. After being so present during my challenge's week, I have a lot of work to go back to, LOL.
Lucky Snapping Challenge February : Nostalgia - Affairs of the Heart
Another week starting with Kathy and I already love this prompt.
What I especially like in these challenges is that in our old group of 365+1, we have already shared a year and we have heard a lot of stories, but sometimes, we heard story A and story C and this year, we start hearing about story B, what puts A and C together and it's a fascinating discovery journey.
I know exactly what I am going to talk about regarding Affairs of the Heart, but I need to take a couple of pictures first. You vaguely heard about it last year, it will put things into context.
Take care everybody and have a good week, xxx
Sunday, 17 February 2013
Apologies . . .
More or less nobody blogged yesterday ( including me ). probably my challenge sucked the life out of everybody and we all needed some rest. LOL.
Today was a cold but beautiful day. We all went to the park.
Remember that view ?
If it wasn't for the yakky mud, it would have be a perfect walk . The girls were galloping around so they needed a wash on their way back.
You know Dennis invaded the conservatory, you know he invaded a good half of the living room ( Kathi and Col, brace yourselves ). You never would guess what Darling Hubby started invading now . . .
Yep, the living room ceiling , LOL.
He was doing some helium tests this afternoon. Rhea preferred coming upstairs with me, but Bubbles was finding it pretty intriguing and was watching all the way.
My apologies are for the February page of my challenge that I didn't manage finishing. I've been too busy as always. It's started, but I need more time in order to make something acceptable, so you will see it only later. I really wish I had Janice and Jen abilities. Their pages are gorgeous.
Take care everybody, xxx
Today was a cold but beautiful day. We all went to the park.
Remember that view ?
If it wasn't for the yakky mud, it would have be a perfect walk . The girls were galloping around so they needed a wash on their way back.
You know Dennis invaded the conservatory, you know he invaded a good half of the living room ( Kathi and Col, brace yourselves ). You never would guess what Darling Hubby started invading now . . .
Yep, the living room ceiling , LOL.
He was doing some helium tests this afternoon. Rhea preferred coming upstairs with me, but Bubbles was finding it pretty intriguing and was watching all the way.
My apologies are for the February page of my challenge that I didn't manage finishing. I've been too busy as always. It's started, but I need more time in order to make something acceptable, so you will see it only later. I really wish I had Janice and Jen abilities. Their pages are gorgeous.
Take care everybody, xxx
Friday, 15 February 2013
What a weird day . . .
This is what I woke up to this morning. Eeeeek . . .
Although I must say it's a gorgeous weather right now, blue sky, warm and sunny.
We are Friday today, Dennis comes back tonight and between park, laundry, supermarket and work, I have thousands of things to do so I leave you directly with the end of my story ( for which I cheated and wrote last night ).
Let's reflect February - Impossible day 5
I remember when I was a child, I was scared of tunnels ( well I was not, my mum was, it's just that at the time I thought I was too, but that's another story ) and when we were driving in one, I only started feeling alive again when I could see a little spot of light at the end of it.
We are in April and I can see the light at the end of my tunnel, it's a small one, I don't know when I will reach it but hey, I can see it and going from dark to a small light in the distance is terrific and helps immensely. Dennis helps a lot too in telling me that he noticed I did this or that or smiled. It's a bit like reporting " What did the baby do today ? Did he say his first word ? Did he take his first step?"
Some days Dennis doesn't say anything. Most of the time, I know why but I would like to run before I can walk, so I still ask and although he knows it kills me, he tells the truth, " nothing happened " or " you did have a terrible mood ". Yes it does kill me, especially when I thought I was nice, but because he doesn't lie to me, it helps me to put in perspective what I feel and what somebody else who cares sees.
The weather is changing, thanks God and the sunshine becomes one of my best allies too. I still take a lot of pictures, like if I would like to prove something. My camera has been damaged during the fall, there is the edge of a stair embedded in it, LOL, but miraculously, I still can slide the front and it still works. For whatever reason, I don't want another one. It's a daily reminder of what happened and may be it's what I need. When I look at it, I think it's at least one injury that it took for me and I avoided.
May comes and I am doing better and better. I don't suffer panic attacks anymore, I can be around people, not too many at the same time, like I wouldn't go to a concert or go shopping during the sales ( I hate shopping anyway ) but it's slowly going back to normal and when it's not, I just need to concentrate and breathe.
I start trusting myself too, I start trusting my judgement. Funny thing is I always did that without thinking, when I lost this ability, I realized as incredibly important it was in my life.
End of May, I tell Dennis I plan to ask being released from therapy and he supports me.
Once again, fate and destiny are going to enter my life, because when I go to my session, the lady tells me that she decided to change department and they force her to take all her holidays before doing that, so this is going to be our last session together and she will put me in contact with somebody else.
I tell her I had thought about stopping and she supports me in this too.
When I leave the building on that day, I remember I am overwhelmed with emotions. It's a door closing, it's the last page of a book. Of course, I am opening another door and I am going to write another book but I have a massive stone in my throat and I hardly can swallow. It's one thing to want to fly alone, it's another one to be on the edge of the branch, ready to go . . . and . . . what if I didn't know how to fly anymore ?
The first couple of days are a bit scary and I will have some down days over the next months, but by trying to keep calm, I am strong enough to deal with them.
Eventually things have fallen back into place. I cannot say as if nothing would have happened, though.
I haven't been back to that B&B and to be honest, I don't know if I ever will be able to. People say when you fall out of a horse you need to ride again. I agree with that, but it doesn't need to be the same horse, right ?
I think it's Joy who left me a comment with " What doesn't kill you make you stronger ". Yes, it is so true. When I look at where I came back from, I am absolutely amazed.
Not only stronger but also more realistic and compassionate. I have a much greater respect for people having a mental disease. It's not different from getting cancer. You don't choose a mental disease either. I saw how a fall could turn my life upside down and bring me to my knees, it can happen to anybody in any circumstance. My motto has become : " Don't judge people by their behavior, you don't know what causes it ".
I also realized that life can stop from one second to another. We all know that but we don't digest it until something happens to us. So it has opened me even more to people. When somebody smiles at me, it has double value now.
I also inherited stronger emotions than before, sometimes it's nice, sometimes it's a curse, but it is what it is.
Last but not least, I have met fabulous people on my way up, all you ladies from 365+1. You've always been so kind to me and I know that in a lot of my blog entries at the beginning of last year, I was just angry and upset and moaning about everything, so thank you for having made me feel so warm in your group. You always had a nice word, each of you in your own way and I've grown so fond of each of you.
That's the nice ending ending of my impossible story and it looks like I am doing a good job on the " happily ever after ".
When we discussed last year with Jen and Kathy about continuing our group through some other challenges, I came up with this reflection thing and I didn't know why. I then chose Silver Lining and I didn't know why either.
When I chose the word Impossible, I wasn't sure what to do with it and I had no idea I was going to talk about my fall. It happens I did and although it was a tiny bit difficult, it did me really good, so thank you for listening.
Things often happen in my life at the right moment and I have been very inspired by all the stories you told this week. I hope it was the right moment for you too and that reading each other stories has inspired you in the same way.
Take care everybody, xxx
Although I must say it's a gorgeous weather right now, blue sky, warm and sunny.
We are Friday today, Dennis comes back tonight and between park, laundry, supermarket and work, I have thousands of things to do so I leave you directly with the end of my story ( for which I cheated and wrote last night ).
Let's reflect February - Impossible day 5
I remember when I was a child, I was scared of tunnels ( well I was not, my mum was, it's just that at the time I thought I was too, but that's another story ) and when we were driving in one, I only started feeling alive again when I could see a little spot of light at the end of it.
We are in April and I can see the light at the end of my tunnel, it's a small one, I don't know when I will reach it but hey, I can see it and going from dark to a small light in the distance is terrific and helps immensely. Dennis helps a lot too in telling me that he noticed I did this or that or smiled. It's a bit like reporting " What did the baby do today ? Did he say his first word ? Did he take his first step?"
Some days Dennis doesn't say anything. Most of the time, I know why but I would like to run before I can walk, so I still ask and although he knows it kills me, he tells the truth, " nothing happened " or " you did have a terrible mood ". Yes it does kill me, especially when I thought I was nice, but because he doesn't lie to me, it helps me to put in perspective what I feel and what somebody else who cares sees.
The weather is changing, thanks God and the sunshine becomes one of my best allies too. I still take a lot of pictures, like if I would like to prove something. My camera has been damaged during the fall, there is the edge of a stair embedded in it, LOL, but miraculously, I still can slide the front and it still works. For whatever reason, I don't want another one. It's a daily reminder of what happened and may be it's what I need. When I look at it, I think it's at least one injury that it took for me and I avoided.
May comes and I am doing better and better. I don't suffer panic attacks anymore, I can be around people, not too many at the same time, like I wouldn't go to a concert or go shopping during the sales ( I hate shopping anyway ) but it's slowly going back to normal and when it's not, I just need to concentrate and breathe.
I start trusting myself too, I start trusting my judgement. Funny thing is I always did that without thinking, when I lost this ability, I realized as incredibly important it was in my life.
End of May, I tell Dennis I plan to ask being released from therapy and he supports me.
Once again, fate and destiny are going to enter my life, because when I go to my session, the lady tells me that she decided to change department and they force her to take all her holidays before doing that, so this is going to be our last session together and she will put me in contact with somebody else.
I tell her I had thought about stopping and she supports me in this too.
When I leave the building on that day, I remember I am overwhelmed with emotions. It's a door closing, it's the last page of a book. Of course, I am opening another door and I am going to write another book but I have a massive stone in my throat and I hardly can swallow. It's one thing to want to fly alone, it's another one to be on the edge of the branch, ready to go . . . and . . . what if I didn't know how to fly anymore ?
The first couple of days are a bit scary and I will have some down days over the next months, but by trying to keep calm, I am strong enough to deal with them.
Eventually things have fallen back into place. I cannot say as if nothing would have happened, though.
I haven't been back to that B&B and to be honest, I don't know if I ever will be able to. People say when you fall out of a horse you need to ride again. I agree with that, but it doesn't need to be the same horse, right ?
I think it's Joy who left me a comment with " What doesn't kill you make you stronger ". Yes, it is so true. When I look at where I came back from, I am absolutely amazed.
Not only stronger but also more realistic and compassionate. I have a much greater respect for people having a mental disease. It's not different from getting cancer. You don't choose a mental disease either. I saw how a fall could turn my life upside down and bring me to my knees, it can happen to anybody in any circumstance. My motto has become : " Don't judge people by their behavior, you don't know what causes it ".
I also realized that life can stop from one second to another. We all know that but we don't digest it until something happens to us. So it has opened me even more to people. When somebody smiles at me, it has double value now.
I also inherited stronger emotions than before, sometimes it's nice, sometimes it's a curse, but it is what it is.
Last but not least, I have met fabulous people on my way up, all you ladies from 365+1. You've always been so kind to me and I know that in a lot of my blog entries at the beginning of last year, I was just angry and upset and moaning about everything, so thank you for having made me feel so warm in your group. You always had a nice word, each of you in your own way and I've grown so fond of each of you.
That's the nice ending ending of my impossible story and it looks like I am doing a good job on the " happily ever after ".
When we discussed last year with Jen and Kathy about continuing our group through some other challenges, I came up with this reflection thing and I didn't know why. I then chose Silver Lining and I didn't know why either.
When I chose the word Impossible, I wasn't sure what to do with it and I had no idea I was going to talk about my fall. It happens I did and although it was a tiny bit difficult, it did me really good, so thank you for listening.
Things often happen in my life at the right moment and I have been very inspired by all the stories you told this week. I hope it was the right moment for you too and that reading each other stories has inspired you in the same way.
Take care everybody, xxx
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Happy Valentine
Hubby is away . . . boohoo . . . but he bought me my favorite orange roses last Sunday before he left. Such a sweet heart.
In fact, my husband is an absolute Gem and he never stops amazing me. He has such a bad memory we keep on joking that one day he will meet me in the landing and ask me who I am. I was sure that being in Zurich and so busy he would forget Valentine and I really had no problem with it ( don't tell him that ) but I got a text this morning ( I must even confess I worked late so it woke me up ) :
So of course I jumped at out bed and went on a digging expedition. So now I have a beautiful card to go with my beautiful roses.
My auntie is back from visiting her daughter, so here are photos of the happy family.
The little Baptiste looks really sweet. Only 2 weeks old, he even looks older to me.
Thank you so much for your nice comments on my " impossible ". Perception is such an interesting thing. Most of you said you had no idea how bad it was when I started 365+1. The funny thing is that I thought it was written all over my face if you see what I mean, that's why I was so glad to have been integrated to the group.
I will talk about it longer later, but you all have had such an important role in my recovery and I never will be able to thank you enough.
Yes, that's why there was no way I would miss a single day blogging for 365+1, yes, that's why there was no way I wouldn't take a single photo on the day.
Some of you might have thought I was a bit silly, it was a matter of ( almost ) life and death for me : - )
Well you can see I am fine now, I can spend a week without blogging, LOL.
OK, I continue the story, as Janice said, as well you know that it gets better.
Let's reflect - February - Day 4
Mid February 2012 : The accident was 6 months ago and I haven't worked since then, so it starts being tough financially. First it was physical, now it's psychological. Who would hire me in this state ? I don't even try, I wouldn't survive a day.
I had the good idea to resign from my previous job only 10 days before my fall, because I wanted to do something else. I call the job center but I am not entitled to anything because it appears that having worked part time, I didn't pay enough contributions to the NHS. I try to explain that when I arrived in this country, I had a highly paid job and was contributing monthly for more than I actually even earned in my last job, but they say it's the last 2 years or so that count. I try to explain it's kind of an emergency situation, they tell me that 1. My husband should support me and 2. I still could sell my house
( that I still pay a mortgage on ).
I am left with this impression ( certitude, if you really want to know ) that when you try to be good in this country and work, pay taxes . . . you are a plain idiot . Just be lazy, don't do anything at all and live on benefits. That way if your gutter needs to be fixed, you don't have to wait 3 years to have the money to do it, you just call the housing association that gave you a free house. I know, I know, it's not a topic I shouldn't start, I could bite . . .
Anyway, I also try the accident help lines. They clearly explain to me ( all the ones I try) that if I chose to throw myself downstairs ( sic ) without anybody pushing me or if I can't prove the stairs were " broken ", there's nothing they can do for me. I try to explain I don't remember what happened, they advise to call back when I do.
I am left more bitter than ever, certainly not with the feeling I am an important human being and again sure that if you don't help yourself, nobody will.
I am in therapy a bit more than 2 months, twice a week. I am still extremely angry and I can't stand anybody around me. It is especially difficult when my step kids are around as a part of me doesn't want to have anything to do with them and another part feels guilty about it. What helps me is writing, I blog everyday, I met this group of nice ladies through the photo forum and it's easier for me than meeting ' real ' people. What I will realize a bit later is that they " met " me at one of the worse times they could have but they still seem to like me. May be I am not so bad after all.
I am running out of strength in fighting the situation and one day something changes. This lady asks me what I would have done if I would have ended up in a wheelchair and spontaneously, I tell her " Well, I would have had to adjust, what else could I do ? " and that's a start of a click in my head.
I realize the point is not my fearing staying that way emotionally, the point is that it looks like I will stay that way and I better should get used to it. So from one day to another, I give up and accept and this giving up marks the start of my real work with her.
So, I have stopped fighting the situation. That doesn't mean I like it but instead of working against myself, I start working with. From then on, things are going to change small step by small step and I am going to progress in the right direction. I have homework to do, I have to write about the fall, I even have to find a picture to face it.
Funnily, I was never scared to use the stairs at home, but the reason I guess is is that they are cut at 90 degrees in the middle and they are wider, so it's a very different look. Jen saw them, mine are not threatening stairs. Obviously I didn't take a picture of the staircase at the B&B, but I find this on Internet and although a bit shorter they are really close and in the right place. Now she wants me to realize what a big fall it was and why I thought I was going to kill myself. I find it a very strange thing to make me think about this as it could make me scared again, but as I stopped fighting, I just accept what comes my way and agree that yes, it was a big fall.
She explains to me that what made me how I am now is not just the fall itself with the injuries but the projection I see of what could have happened. It's very true that what causes me so much trouble is the " I could have ... " and then " but I didn't, so why make such a fuss about it ", so what we need to do is to put everything back into perspective. I am going to work really hard on all what she asks me to do and within 2 weeks, I start feeling small changes, I start smiling a bit, but I am so scared it would go away that I make it go away. So we start again and it slowly comes back. I start talking about my fall on my blog and it helps me a lot.
The next 2 months are very powerful. I still have the impression that if I breathe too hard, all I built will go away again like a cards castle, but I try not thinking about it. The more I build myself again, the more tools I have to help building again.
The 2 fingers of my right hand still don't work fine and as soon as I use them for more than an hour, they get all swollen the next day and I end up with 2 kind of sausages. There is so much work to do for Dennis and it kills me to see him working alone. I decide to ignore what will happen and help. I do soldering for him for most of the day and the next morning I hardly can open my hand but I do it again and in fact it will be the best physio I ever did as my fingers get used to it and I still can manage some work.
I also start managing being pleasant with my family for a couple of minutes at a time, without forcing myself to, what's very new.
Am I finally managing it out of the hole ?
Finishing tomorrow, take care everybody, xxx
In fact, my husband is an absolute Gem and he never stops amazing me. He has such a bad memory we keep on joking that one day he will meet me in the landing and ask me who I am. I was sure that being in Zurich and so busy he would forget Valentine and I really had no problem with it ( don't tell him that ) but I got a text this morning ( I must even confess I worked late so it woke me up ) :
So of course I jumped at out bed and went on a digging expedition. So now I have a beautiful card to go with my beautiful roses.
My auntie is back from visiting her daughter, so here are photos of the happy family.
The little Baptiste looks really sweet. Only 2 weeks old, he even looks older to me.
Thank you so much for your nice comments on my " impossible ". Perception is such an interesting thing. Most of you said you had no idea how bad it was when I started 365+1. The funny thing is that I thought it was written all over my face if you see what I mean, that's why I was so glad to have been integrated to the group.
I will talk about it longer later, but you all have had such an important role in my recovery and I never will be able to thank you enough.
Yes, that's why there was no way I would miss a single day blogging for 365+1, yes, that's why there was no way I wouldn't take a single photo on the day.
Some of you might have thought I was a bit silly, it was a matter of ( almost ) life and death for me : - )
Well you can see I am fine now, I can spend a week without blogging, LOL.
OK, I continue the story, as Janice said, as well you know that it gets better.
Let's reflect - February - Day 4
Mid February 2012 : The accident was 6 months ago and I haven't worked since then, so it starts being tough financially. First it was physical, now it's psychological. Who would hire me in this state ? I don't even try, I wouldn't survive a day.
I had the good idea to resign from my previous job only 10 days before my fall, because I wanted to do something else. I call the job center but I am not entitled to anything because it appears that having worked part time, I didn't pay enough contributions to the NHS. I try to explain that when I arrived in this country, I had a highly paid job and was contributing monthly for more than I actually even earned in my last job, but they say it's the last 2 years or so that count. I try to explain it's kind of an emergency situation, they tell me that 1. My husband should support me and 2. I still could sell my house
( that I still pay a mortgage on ).
I am left with this impression ( certitude, if you really want to know ) that when you try to be good in this country and work, pay taxes . . . you are a plain idiot . Just be lazy, don't do anything at all and live on benefits. That way if your gutter needs to be fixed, you don't have to wait 3 years to have the money to do it, you just call the housing association that gave you a free house. I know, I know, it's not a topic I shouldn't start, I could bite . . .
Anyway, I also try the accident help lines. They clearly explain to me ( all the ones I try) that if I chose to throw myself downstairs ( sic ) without anybody pushing me or if I can't prove the stairs were " broken ", there's nothing they can do for me. I try to explain I don't remember what happened, they advise to call back when I do.
I am left more bitter than ever, certainly not with the feeling I am an important human being and again sure that if you don't help yourself, nobody will.
I am in therapy a bit more than 2 months, twice a week. I am still extremely angry and I can't stand anybody around me. It is especially difficult when my step kids are around as a part of me doesn't want to have anything to do with them and another part feels guilty about it. What helps me is writing, I blog everyday, I met this group of nice ladies through the photo forum and it's easier for me than meeting ' real ' people. What I will realize a bit later is that they " met " me at one of the worse times they could have but they still seem to like me. May be I am not so bad after all.
I am running out of strength in fighting the situation and one day something changes. This lady asks me what I would have done if I would have ended up in a wheelchair and spontaneously, I tell her " Well, I would have had to adjust, what else could I do ? " and that's a start of a click in my head.
I realize the point is not my fearing staying that way emotionally, the point is that it looks like I will stay that way and I better should get used to it. So from one day to another, I give up and accept and this giving up marks the start of my real work with her.
So, I have stopped fighting the situation. That doesn't mean I like it but instead of working against myself, I start working with. From then on, things are going to change small step by small step and I am going to progress in the right direction. I have homework to do, I have to write about the fall, I even have to find a picture to face it.
Funnily, I was never scared to use the stairs at home, but the reason I guess is is that they are cut at 90 degrees in the middle and they are wider, so it's a very different look. Jen saw them, mine are not threatening stairs. Obviously I didn't take a picture of the staircase at the B&B, but I find this on Internet and although a bit shorter they are really close and in the right place. Now she wants me to realize what a big fall it was and why I thought I was going to kill myself. I find it a very strange thing to make me think about this as it could make me scared again, but as I stopped fighting, I just accept what comes my way and agree that yes, it was a big fall.
She explains to me that what made me how I am now is not just the fall itself with the injuries but the projection I see of what could have happened. It's very true that what causes me so much trouble is the " I could have ... " and then " but I didn't, so why make such a fuss about it ", so what we need to do is to put everything back into perspective. I am going to work really hard on all what she asks me to do and within 2 weeks, I start feeling small changes, I start smiling a bit, but I am so scared it would go away that I make it go away. So we start again and it slowly comes back. I start talking about my fall on my blog and it helps me a lot.
The next 2 months are very powerful. I still have the impression that if I breathe too hard, all I built will go away again like a cards castle, but I try not thinking about it. The more I build myself again, the more tools I have to help building again.
The 2 fingers of my right hand still don't work fine and as soon as I use them for more than an hour, they get all swollen the next day and I end up with 2 kind of sausages. There is so much work to do for Dennis and it kills me to see him working alone. I decide to ignore what will happen and help. I do soldering for him for most of the day and the next morning I hardly can open my hand but I do it again and in fact it will be the best physio I ever did as my fingers get used to it and I still can manage some work.
I also start managing being pleasant with my family for a couple of minutes at a time, without forcing myself to, what's very new.
Am I finally managing it out of the hole ?
Finishing tomorrow, take care everybody, xxx
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
Nothing much
Another cold day. Excepted going to the park wit the girls and playing in the afternoon,
I just stay warm at home and do my work . With the University class, we are building a card game app, that's fun (when it works and I don't have a bug, LOL ).
I am not really in the mood of taking pictures in the park, probably because everything is so depressingly grey. I have noticed Daffodils are very close to bloom though, probably tomorrow, even may be today, so this I certainly will take pictures of.
I have noticed that talking about my fall and going back there is more difficult than
I initially thought, may be because it wasn't so long ago. I have caught myself thinking about it a couple of times yesterday, not in a negative way, not about the fall but about how I felt at the time. I guess I am sorry for the way I treated myself during that time. A good lesson learned . . .
I don't remember who said " If you don't get challenged, how will you know your demons are gone for good ? " .
I have just checked the Positive Inspirational Quotes website for today and this is what I found.
What a fantastic match to what I was just talking about.
Let's reflect February - Impossible - Day 3
Middle of December 2011, I get a call saying I can start my PTSD therapy. I must have been so naive or arrogant, I believed that within a couple of days, I would be back to normal, well NO. It doesn't go well at all for plenty of reasons. Firstly I don't accept being who I am at the present. I absolutely despise that person, weak, undecided, angry, ready to start a fight at any moment, hiding, crying every 5 minutes, I just want to get rid of her. That's not me and I don't want to be that.
I believe I should shake myself and just go back to normal, but I can't. Also I have always managed getting out of bad situations by "thinking" my way out but what is sick now is all my thinking process. I cannot think, so I have nothing to help myself. Last thing I am extremely angry and aggressive, even with Dennis and I cannot stand the kids. My whole world has collapsed.
My biggest problem is that I can't make decisions anymore. With all this time in my hands, I thought I should do a bit of crafting and end of November, I enrolled in a Shimelle craft class called " Journal Your Christmas " as I think it could help me. I never will start it, because I cannot make up my mind on the size of pages I am going to use. Each time I think A4, that voice tells me " what about 12x12 ? ", so I think " OK, I will do 12x12 " then another though " what about 6x6, it would be easier for you ? " and so on. I am so upset with myself that I can't make simple decisions and I think it' s so pathetic.
Talking about the fall ( what they call reliving the event in CBT ) is extremely difficult, it's something I would like to forget and bury but it appears it's the wrong thing to do, so we talk about it. The lady who tries sorting me out is half my age, what doesn't help me either to feel good with myself, but she is nice and after a while, I am able to trust her. On one side I minimize what happened to me " I didn't die so what's the big deal ? ", on the other one, I feel guilty because I didn't die. Such a mixture of feelings not making any sense and so difficult to deal with. A lot of people tell me I am lucky. Well I don't call that lucky, I am in a mess and I haven't got a clue how to go out of it. Everything is upside down.
Christmas is absolutely terrible because I don't want to see anybody and at the same time, a part of me knows that nobody, especially the kids, is responsible for the way I am, so I do my best to be pleasant. I manage it half an hour at a time and then I need to go and hide.
A bit earlier, I heard about a UK Scrappers photo project called 365+1 and I decided to join in January. That's a very good idea. This project is what will help saving my life in the long term as if there is only one thing I do per day, it's taking this one photo. I found a buoy to avoid drowning completely, it's a weird one, but it is mine.
February 2012 : It has been 6 months since my fall and 2 months in Therapy. My ribs are still a bit fragile when I touch, but not painful. I am doing some physio for my shoulder as I still can lift my left arm up. My right hand drives me nuts, 2 fingers are still damaged, I can't close or open them completely, I can't open a water bottle or a tin, I hardly can help Dennis in his work. My GP keeps on telling me my fingers will repair but when I ask when, she she shakes her head " It will take time ". I think she doesn't have a clue or she doesn't give a damn, both ways I think she is a waste a time.
I am still in therapy and I am not going anywhere. I still don't know who I am, I don't have any of the normal abilities I had before like gut feel for example. How do you live without gut feel ? You need to make decisions everyday, like crossing a road, by foot or by car, trust people, do or not do things for people, I can't do that easily. I have many more questions than answers. The lady helping me keeps on telling me I need to let go because I am my hardest critic and I am the cause of my non progressing. I never let go in my life, I have always relied on myself to go out of a mess and I have always been in control. I can't change that. We start working on Core Beliefs and she tries to modify all my " I should . . . " Tough work for her.
I have also become paranoid, I think everybody is against me. When I walk, I keep my arms crossed around me, I can't stand the touch of people when in stores, it's like I fear they will hurt me. What does it have to do with falling downstairs ? One day, I will even ask if it is possible to be committed into a hospital, I am just too scared to be with people. Thankfully, I will change my mind.
Even the girls are behaving strangely. In fact, the poor things don't understand very well this change in me and just try to adjust as sometimes I am nice and sometimes I want to be alone. I started bringing them to the park but as soon as I walk on a small piece of wood that could make me lose my balance, I get a panic attack and we need to rush back home.
The only thing that interests me is to go back to where I was before the fall. I cannot accept what is happening to me.
I start believing I will never go back to normal, I start believing my life has just ended.
'til tomorrow, take care everybody, xxx
I just stay warm at home and do my work . With the University class, we are building a card game app, that's fun (when it works and I don't have a bug, LOL ).
I am not really in the mood of taking pictures in the park, probably because everything is so depressingly grey. I have noticed Daffodils are very close to bloom though, probably tomorrow, even may be today, so this I certainly will take pictures of.
I have noticed that talking about my fall and going back there is more difficult than
I initially thought, may be because it wasn't so long ago. I have caught myself thinking about it a couple of times yesterday, not in a negative way, not about the fall but about how I felt at the time. I guess I am sorry for the way I treated myself during that time. A good lesson learned . . .
I don't remember who said " If you don't get challenged, how will you know your demons are gone for good ? " .
I have just checked the Positive Inspirational Quotes website for today and this is what I found.
What a fantastic match to what I was just talking about.
Let's reflect February - Impossible - Day 3
Middle of December 2011, I get a call saying I can start my PTSD therapy. I must have been so naive or arrogant, I believed that within a couple of days, I would be back to normal, well NO. It doesn't go well at all for plenty of reasons. Firstly I don't accept being who I am at the present. I absolutely despise that person, weak, undecided, angry, ready to start a fight at any moment, hiding, crying every 5 minutes, I just want to get rid of her. That's not me and I don't want to be that.
I believe I should shake myself and just go back to normal, but I can't. Also I have always managed getting out of bad situations by "thinking" my way out but what is sick now is all my thinking process. I cannot think, so I have nothing to help myself. Last thing I am extremely angry and aggressive, even with Dennis and I cannot stand the kids. My whole world has collapsed.
My biggest problem is that I can't make decisions anymore. With all this time in my hands, I thought I should do a bit of crafting and end of November, I enrolled in a Shimelle craft class called " Journal Your Christmas " as I think it could help me. I never will start it, because I cannot make up my mind on the size of pages I am going to use. Each time I think A4, that voice tells me " what about 12x12 ? ", so I think " OK, I will do 12x12 " then another though " what about 6x6, it would be easier for you ? " and so on. I am so upset with myself that I can't make simple decisions and I think it' s so pathetic.
Talking about the fall ( what they call reliving the event in CBT ) is extremely difficult, it's something I would like to forget and bury but it appears it's the wrong thing to do, so we talk about it. The lady who tries sorting me out is half my age, what doesn't help me either to feel good with myself, but she is nice and after a while, I am able to trust her. On one side I minimize what happened to me " I didn't die so what's the big deal ? ", on the other one, I feel guilty because I didn't die. Such a mixture of feelings not making any sense and so difficult to deal with. A lot of people tell me I am lucky. Well I don't call that lucky, I am in a mess and I haven't got a clue how to go out of it. Everything is upside down.
Christmas is absolutely terrible because I don't want to see anybody and at the same time, a part of me knows that nobody, especially the kids, is responsible for the way I am, so I do my best to be pleasant. I manage it half an hour at a time and then I need to go and hide.
A bit earlier, I heard about a UK Scrappers photo project called 365+1 and I decided to join in January. That's a very good idea. This project is what will help saving my life in the long term as if there is only one thing I do per day, it's taking this one photo. I found a buoy to avoid drowning completely, it's a weird one, but it is mine.
February 2012 : It has been 6 months since my fall and 2 months in Therapy. My ribs are still a bit fragile when I touch, but not painful. I am doing some physio for my shoulder as I still can lift my left arm up. My right hand drives me nuts, 2 fingers are still damaged, I can't close or open them completely, I can't open a water bottle or a tin, I hardly can help Dennis in his work. My GP keeps on telling me my fingers will repair but when I ask when, she she shakes her head " It will take time ". I think she doesn't have a clue or she doesn't give a damn, both ways I think she is a waste a time.
I am still in therapy and I am not going anywhere. I still don't know who I am, I don't have any of the normal abilities I had before like gut feel for example. How do you live without gut feel ? You need to make decisions everyday, like crossing a road, by foot or by car, trust people, do or not do things for people, I can't do that easily. I have many more questions than answers. The lady helping me keeps on telling me I need to let go because I am my hardest critic and I am the cause of my non progressing. I never let go in my life, I have always relied on myself to go out of a mess and I have always been in control. I can't change that. We start working on Core Beliefs and she tries to modify all my " I should . . . " Tough work for her.
I have also become paranoid, I think everybody is against me. When I walk, I keep my arms crossed around me, I can't stand the touch of people when in stores, it's like I fear they will hurt me. What does it have to do with falling downstairs ? One day, I will even ask if it is possible to be committed into a hospital, I am just too scared to be with people. Thankfully, I will change my mind.
Even the girls are behaving strangely. In fact, the poor things don't understand very well this change in me and just try to adjust as sometimes I am nice and sometimes I want to be alone. I started bringing them to the park but as soon as I walk on a small piece of wood that could make me lose my balance, I get a panic attack and we need to rush back home.
The only thing that interests me is to go back to where I was before the fall. I cannot accept what is happening to me.
I start believing I will never go back to normal, I start believing my life has just ended.
'til tomorrow, take care everybody, xxx
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
Gloomy, gloomy . . .
There is this fantastic blog about Positive Inspirational Quotes ( HERE ) that I absolutely adore. This is what was on yesterday :
That's what I call inspirational. It might not be super easy to do in any situation, but it certainly is inspirational.
Gloomy weather today, not worth talking about it !
Let's reflect February - Impossible - Day 2
Let's continue with my spiral down.
So we are August the 6th 2011 and I almost didn't close an eye during the night because I was in pain all night. My body is just sore everywhere and I can't move. Luckily Dennis is still on holidays so he is at home with me. The poor thing didn't sleep much either.
That's what I call inspirational. It might not be super easy to do in any situation, but it certainly is inspirational.
Gloomy weather today, not worth talking about it !
Let's reflect February - Impossible - Day 2
Let's continue with my spiral down.
So we are August the 6th 2011 and I almost didn't close an eye during the night because I was in pain all night. My body is just sore everywhere and I can't move. Luckily Dennis is still on holidays so he is at home with me. The poor thing didn't sleep much either.
This where I am going to spend the next 3 months.
I hardly can get up by myself, I hardly can use my right hand and my left side is all hurt, so I can't do anything, even getting dressed. Everybody tells me " WOW, ideal time to do crafting ". Well if only I could . . .
I can't concentrate on anything I read either so I spend my days watching TV. I basically feel useless, what has a very bad influence on my mood. When Dennis eventually has to start traveling again, I have to call a dog sitter to take care of the girls as I can't go out of the house, but excepted her, I don't want to see anybody. I have nightmares every night, I see myself falling again and again. I hear myself screaming as soon as I close my eyes.
I can't concentrate on anything I read either so I spend my days watching TV. I basically feel useless, what has a very bad influence on my mood. When Dennis eventually has to start traveling again, I have to call a dog sitter to take care of the girls as I can't go out of the house, but excepted her, I don't want to see anybody. I have nightmares every night, I see myself falling again and again. I hear myself screaming as soon as I close my eyes.
End of August marks the death of one of my favorite uncles, tough time. Beginning of September, my parents are coming and Dennis has to pick them up alone from Gatwick, same thing when they leave. I do my best as long as they are here, I even walk 2 steps outside the house. During their stay, I hear that the brain operation of Isi, this little girl I grew so fond of, didn't work and she has passed away at not quite 7. Another blow in the face.
5 weeks on, I am still on a lot of pain killers as my ribs are killing me. I start having hallucinations and I hear voices. I think I am getting crazy and and I spend my days crying. I start talking to Dennis and I can see he is worried a lot. I regret not having gone to the hospital as I think may be I hurt my head, that's why I am getting mad. Then one day I realize that I am taking the wrong dosage of medicine. I have so many that I mixed them up. I cut the paracetamol by 4 and multiplied the codeine by 4. Overdosing on Codeine is a very bad idea. Dennis brings me to our GP who is pretty mad at me for not paying more attention to what I do but she promises that hallucinations will stop within a couple of weeks and they eventually do. It's a bit of comfort to know I am not getting mad after all.
Beginning of November, I am almost physically repaired, but emotionally nothing goes anymore. I am scared, I don't trust anybody, I don't trust myself, I am very angry . I've always been very strong and I have turned into a weak and scared person, what I can't accept. I talk a lot to Dennis who supports me the best he can, but after a while he tells me it's well above what he can help with.
My GP advises me to talk to a professional and that's when I get diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I always thought that it was only something for soldiers in Vietnam, it appears that being convinced you are going to die is enough.
My GP advises me to talk to a professional and that's when I get diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I always thought that it was only something for soldiers in Vietnam, it appears that being convinced you are going to die is enough.
For a little while I am really happy to have put a name on what I have but then I go down again when I hear there is a 6 weeks waiting time to see somebody. What am I going to do for 6 weeks ? If I could drive, I would go away and hide in a hole.
'til tomorrow, take care everybody, xxx
Monday, 11 February 2013
Happy New year of the Snake
Shame on me . . . I didn't blog since a week.
Well as I was saying to Jen last night, it was easier at the 365+1 time, because we had a word a day and I " kind of had to " blog everyday !
Things are going well here. My app prototype review went well too, so I was really pleased, though if I was hoping for some time off, I can keep on hoping , LOL as I now need to implement all suggestions I got and go from prototype to real .
At the same time, if it wasn't enough, I enrolled mid of January in a programming class at Stanford University in the States via Video. It's absolutely fantastic stuff, but keeping me busy too because it's kind of live and we (they are hundreds of students worldwide who do that) need to keep up with the pace, do our homework and so. Hopefully it's only until April 2013.
By the way, a very Happy Chinese New Year of the Snake. You belong to the Chinese Sign Snake if you were born starting with last Sunday or if you basically are 12, 24, 36, 48, 60, 72, 84 or 96. It's a bit more precise than that with the months, but if you are interested, send me your date of birth and I'll tell you what you are.
I am a Monkey and that really complements my Gemini " mad and silly side ". Lucky me.
We spent the week-end in Wales to celebrate this new year with my Father in Law and Brother in Law. We had taken Sophie with us from Southampton and picked up David in Bath on the way. It was nice to be all together.
We went to a Chinese restaurant, full of . . . Chinese, yes, but there were a couple of Europeans too and mixed families as ours. We had a really nice time.
It started snowing heavily an hour ago. They announced it only for tonight but I trusted my gut feel this morning and I went to Asda early to be ready for the week. Glad that I did. Dennis will be leaving in a couple of hours, I hope highways will be clear by then.
Let's reflect- February : Impossible
I had a long think about it and I guess I know what I am going to talk about. The funny thing is you would recon that because I choose the word, I already know what to do, well
I don't , LOL. There are even a couple of words to come later in the year that leave me pretty . . . let's say thoughtful !
So, about my story related to impossible : I will tell over the next 5 days and leave myself the week-end to try and make a page for my book.
It all started middle of July 2011. We had worked like idiots in the previous months
( seems to be an habit of ours ) and we were in urgent need of a relaxing break, so we had decided to go and spend a couple of days in Wales. There was a Bed and Breakfast we used for a night the year before and we decided to go back there as they were accepting dogs. We had booked 5 nights and asked for a room downstairs as it was a bit difficult last time to cope with the stairs and the girls.
On the night before our departure, the B&B called and said very sorry, but there had been a mix-up and we only could get a room upstairs. We were very upset, but it was either accepting or not having our long needed break, so we said OK. Remember when I say I am always surrounded by fate and coincidence . . .
This is where we arrived on July 31st, close to Bridgend in Wales : A nice small B&B, run by a couple.
The weather wasn't fantastic everyday but even with rain, we had daily long walks on the beach. The place is so beautiful and we were all having the time of our life
Twice a day the girls were swimming so we needed to wash them and dry them and after that, everybody was tired.
We had a great time and on the last day, we met my father in law, for a small picnic.
On August 5th, it was time to go back home. We packed everything and Dennis started loading the car whilst I was waiting with the girls upstairs. On the last trip, I took them with me, left the key at the reception upstairs and made my way to join Dennis at the car.
There was a lady at the top of the stairs and she didn't seem to know exactly where she wanted to go. The upstairs landing was really small so I had to go around her and get both dogs on leads to follow me.
When I reached the top of the staircase, may be I will remember one day what happened, but I felt myself plunging head first in the stairs. People say when you have an accident it all goes to slow motion and it's very true.
I remember I knew I was going to die, or at least break my neck and finish in a wheelchair. I tried to hang on to to the columns at bottom of the rail but I couldn't catch them, I remember wondering if I was dragging the girls with me and if I was going to kill them too, wondering how Dennis could cope alone with the girls and his frequent trips. I remember screaming from deep in my throat, like animals do.
Dennis was in the parking, packing the car. He later said he heard me screaming but he thought it was coming from stupid kids and it was so loud he was wondering why parents were not keeping an eye on them. I am not sure, to this day, that I forgave him for that, LOL.
Then I was laying down, at the bottom of the stairs. I remember feeling stupid so I quickly sat. I didn't feel any pain. On my right, Bubbles was still at the top of the stairs, Rhea was in the middle of the stairs and they were both looking at me, quite strangely. They didn't have their leads on, what I couldn't understand. I was still holding on to one, that had almost twisted one of my fingers. Then a lady came from the kitchen. I remember hearing a big pan being dropped before my landing, then other guests came, then Dennis arrived and he asked me what I was doing on the floor ( didn't quite forgive him either for that question ).
Then I started noticing that all my left side had been burned by the sliding on the carpet and I was bleeding from my chin to my ankle, my trousers were ripped, the photo camera in my pocket was damaged and step by step I started feeling the pain everywhere. They sat me down on a chair and gave me some water and a coffee. The only thing I wanted to do was to leave and go back home. I was like on drugs, I didn't want to go to the hospital because we had the girls and I didn't want to leave them in the car for hours so Dennis agreed to drive back down because I wouldn't have it any other way. If I had to do it again, I would think twice. The drive down was horrendous due to the vibrations of the car.
In the evening back home, I went to see my GP. I had several broken ribs, a torn shoulder and a couple of damaged fingers I couldn't move, but nothing that couldn't eventually repair. She said there was nothing to do especially with the ribs, so I could go to hospital and hear the same or go back home and rest with a lot of pain killers. So we chose option 2.
So here I am, I haven't killed myself, I am not going to be paralyzed and I haven't hurt the girls.
You would think everything will be OK from now on ? Well . . .
'til tomorrow, take care everybody, xxx
Well as I was saying to Jen last night, it was easier at the 365+1 time, because we had a word a day and I " kind of had to " blog everyday !
Things are going well here. My app prototype review went well too, so I was really pleased, though if I was hoping for some time off, I can keep on hoping , LOL as I now need to implement all suggestions I got and go from prototype to real .
At the same time, if it wasn't enough, I enrolled mid of January in a programming class at Stanford University in the States via Video. It's absolutely fantastic stuff, but keeping me busy too because it's kind of live and we (they are hundreds of students worldwide who do that) need to keep up with the pace, do our homework and so. Hopefully it's only until April 2013.
By the way, a very Happy Chinese New Year of the Snake. You belong to the Chinese Sign Snake if you were born starting with last Sunday or if you basically are 12, 24, 36, 48, 60, 72, 84 or 96. It's a bit more precise than that with the months, but if you are interested, send me your date of birth and I'll tell you what you are.
I am a Monkey and that really complements my Gemini " mad and silly side ". Lucky me.
We spent the week-end in Wales to celebrate this new year with my Father in Law and Brother in Law. We had taken Sophie with us from Southampton and picked up David in Bath on the way. It was nice to be all together.
We went to a Chinese restaurant, full of . . . Chinese, yes, but there were a couple of Europeans too and mixed families as ours. We had a really nice time.
It started snowing heavily an hour ago. They announced it only for tonight but I trusted my gut feel this morning and I went to Asda early to be ready for the week. Glad that I did. Dennis will be leaving in a couple of hours, I hope highways will be clear by then.
Let's reflect- February : Impossible
I had a long think about it and I guess I know what I am going to talk about. The funny thing is you would recon that because I choose the word, I already know what to do, well
I don't , LOL. There are even a couple of words to come later in the year that leave me pretty . . . let's say thoughtful !
So, about my story related to impossible : I will tell over the next 5 days and leave myself the week-end to try and make a page for my book.
It all started middle of July 2011. We had worked like idiots in the previous months
( seems to be an habit of ours ) and we were in urgent need of a relaxing break, so we had decided to go and spend a couple of days in Wales. There was a Bed and Breakfast we used for a night the year before and we decided to go back there as they were accepting dogs. We had booked 5 nights and asked for a room downstairs as it was a bit difficult last time to cope with the stairs and the girls.
On the night before our departure, the B&B called and said very sorry, but there had been a mix-up and we only could get a room upstairs. We were very upset, but it was either accepting or not having our long needed break, so we said OK. Remember when I say I am always surrounded by fate and coincidence . . .
This is where we arrived on July 31st, close to Bridgend in Wales : A nice small B&B, run by a couple.
The weather wasn't fantastic everyday but even with rain, we had daily long walks on the beach. The place is so beautiful and we were all having the time of our life
Twice a day the girls were swimming so we needed to wash them and dry them and after that, everybody was tired.
We had a great time and on the last day, we met my father in law, for a small picnic.
On August 5th, it was time to go back home. We packed everything and Dennis started loading the car whilst I was waiting with the girls upstairs. On the last trip, I took them with me, left the key at the reception upstairs and made my way to join Dennis at the car.
There was a lady at the top of the stairs and she didn't seem to know exactly where she wanted to go. The upstairs landing was really small so I had to go around her and get both dogs on leads to follow me.
When I reached the top of the staircase, may be I will remember one day what happened, but I felt myself plunging head first in the stairs. People say when you have an accident it all goes to slow motion and it's very true.
I remember I knew I was going to die, or at least break my neck and finish in a wheelchair. I tried to hang on to to the columns at bottom of the rail but I couldn't catch them, I remember wondering if I was dragging the girls with me and if I was going to kill them too, wondering how Dennis could cope alone with the girls and his frequent trips. I remember screaming from deep in my throat, like animals do.
Dennis was in the parking, packing the car. He later said he heard me screaming but he thought it was coming from stupid kids and it was so loud he was wondering why parents were not keeping an eye on them. I am not sure, to this day, that I forgave him for that, LOL.
Then I was laying down, at the bottom of the stairs. I remember feeling stupid so I quickly sat. I didn't feel any pain. On my right, Bubbles was still at the top of the stairs, Rhea was in the middle of the stairs and they were both looking at me, quite strangely. They didn't have their leads on, what I couldn't understand. I was still holding on to one, that had almost twisted one of my fingers. Then a lady came from the kitchen. I remember hearing a big pan being dropped before my landing, then other guests came, then Dennis arrived and he asked me what I was doing on the floor ( didn't quite forgive him either for that question ).
Then I started noticing that all my left side had been burned by the sliding on the carpet and I was bleeding from my chin to my ankle, my trousers were ripped, the photo camera in my pocket was damaged and step by step I started feeling the pain everywhere. They sat me down on a chair and gave me some water and a coffee. The only thing I wanted to do was to leave and go back home. I was like on drugs, I didn't want to go to the hospital because we had the girls and I didn't want to leave them in the car for hours so Dennis agreed to drive back down because I wouldn't have it any other way. If I had to do it again, I would think twice. The drive down was horrendous due to the vibrations of the car.
In the evening back home, I went to see my GP. I had several broken ribs, a torn shoulder and a couple of damaged fingers I couldn't move, but nothing that couldn't eventually repair. She said there was nothing to do especially with the ribs, so I could go to hospital and hear the same or go back home and rest with a lot of pain killers. So we chose option 2.
So here I am, I haven't killed myself, I am not going to be paralyzed and I haven't hurt the girls.
You would think everything will be OK from now on ? Well . . .
'til tomorrow, take care everybody, xxx
Monday, 4 February 2013
So that's it . . .
Darling Hubby left with my app prototype on his phone and will present it in the next days.
I have worked so much and so intensely that now I can relax for a while, I just spent the past hour sitting on a chair and staring at my computer. The change is kind of destabilizing, LOL.
Nice to go back to Jen's challenge although I must say, the weather doesn't play it fair. It was overcast but sunny today and I chose my view position so badly that now, when I go out with the girls at the same time as in January, I am facing the sun so my picture is all dull.
As of my kitchen view, that's another problem. As it gives into the conservatory and as you know Hubby invaded it, it wouldn't help to take monthly pictures of how much or how little of his stuff is still in there. I thought about taking a photo of the living room ( that again has been invaded ) but that wouldn't make much fun either.
So my duty this week will be to find another " kitchen view " and try to figure out when to take a picture of the beautiful weeping willow with the light at its best.
Decisions, decisions . . .
Take care everybody, xxx
I have worked so much and so intensely that now I can relax for a while, I just spent the past hour sitting on a chair and staring at my computer. The change is kind of destabilizing, LOL.
Nice to go back to Jen's challenge although I must say, the weather doesn't play it fair. It was overcast but sunny today and I chose my view position so badly that now, when I go out with the girls at the same time as in January, I am facing the sun so my picture is all dull.
As of my kitchen view, that's another problem. As it gives into the conservatory and as you know Hubby invaded it, it wouldn't help to take monthly pictures of how much or how little of his stuff is still in there. I thought about taking a photo of the living room ( that again has been invaded ) but that wouldn't make much fun either.
So my duty this week will be to find another " kitchen view " and try to figure out when to take a picture of the beautiful weeping willow with the light at its best.
Decisions, decisions . . .
Take care everybody, xxx
Sunday, 3 February 2013
Again only passing by . . .
It has been quite a week, everything is going to plan, excepted the amount of time left for myself. I promised 2 things a couple of days ago.
- a photo of Baptiste.
Here he is, I will get much better ones later as my auntie is going to Paris this week to meet a grandson.
- The photos for Janice challenge: They are below.
Oh and as a bonus, I just to give you a taste: That's the state of the park. Now you certainly can better picture what the girls look like after their walk. Eeeeeekkk.
The lucky snapping challenge: Week 5
This week the challenge was hosted by Janice and it was about all the colors of the rainbow. It was such a nice challenge, such a pity I was so busy. My plan originally was instead of photographing one color a day, to take the 7 colors everyday in different contexts.
Right, as if I would had had the time . . .
But I did that on the Monday when I went to the park with the girls and that's really good because I didn't take any other picture during the week.
So here they are, thanks to all sort of things that were on the grass .
red
orange
yellow
green
blue
indigo
violet
I should manage to be around almost as normal this Monday.
Take care everybody, xxx
- a photo of Baptiste.
Here he is, I will get much better ones later as my auntie is going to Paris this week to meet a grandson.
- The photos for Janice challenge: They are below.
Oh and as a bonus, I just to give you a taste: That's the state of the park. Now you certainly can better picture what the girls look like after their walk. Eeeeeekkk.
The lucky snapping challenge: Week 5
This week the challenge was hosted by Janice and it was about all the colors of the rainbow. It was such a nice challenge, such a pity I was so busy. My plan originally was instead of photographing one color a day, to take the 7 colors everyday in different contexts.
Right, as if I would had had the time . . .
But I did that on the Monday when I went to the park with the girls and that's really good because I didn't take any other picture during the week.
So here they are, thanks to all sort of things that were on the grass .
red
orange
yellow
green
blue
indigo
violet
I should manage to be around almost as normal this Monday.
Take care everybody, xxx
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